December 06, 2003

Lad Mag's Beauty List Perplexing

IN A MOVE WHICH WE HOPE defies our critics' occasional crack that we are in fact more machine than man, we can assure readers that we spent some of our early morning checking out FHM's list of the 100 Sexiest Women. Sadly, though, we are a bit chagrined to admit that we have never heard of most of the women listed therein.

This may suggest that we need to really stop poring over documents dealing with taxation policy, manufacturing data, and economic history in our spare time. To that, we will readily confess. However, using the same rhetorical power which lets us hold forth on economic matters, we do believe we can respond to Ben Domenech's summary of the lad mag's list: have men gone mad?

Yes, they bloody well have.

Now, there is no denying that all the women listed upon FHM's list -- who buys these magazines, anyway? -- are foxes. We are more than glad to give them that. What we cannot understand is why so many of the ladies we particularly fancy are ranked near the end of this list.

The idea that Monica Bellucci (Te Deum laudamus!) is ranked 77th is ... it's just wrong, OK? We are sorry, but Ms Bellucci does not deserve to be in the lowest quartile of anything, much less a list like this. And while we were pleased to see that Jamie Sale (how we rejoiced when she beat out Kournikova in some ESPN poll on a similar matter) rightfully tops Courteney Cox Arquette, Ms Sale should rank higher than 92nd. And we would ask that Scott Rubush take note that Sofia Vergara is ... 95th! God's truth, now that is insanity!

As Rant readers well know, though, we do not consider beauty merely a dimension of sight. For us, it is mandatory to add in the dimension of sound, and the dimension of mind. We would put a special emphasis on that final word, just as Serling did. So we while we were pleased to see that Maria Bartiromo was listed as No. 81, we do not fully understand how Alicia (Pink) Moore ranks No. 56. Surely, the whole angry-at-everyone motif is being a bit overweighted in the final tally. And while we would not dispute Jessica Simpson's inclusion on the list, we don't see why she gets No. 40, while actress and University of Michigan graduate Lucy Liu is only ranked No. 42 and Harvard undergraduate Natalie Portman is ranked No. 59.

Adding to this sense of befuddlement on our part are those listed in the higher echelons of the list. We have no idea who Leeann Tweeden is, for instance. We further have no idea who Eliza Dushku, Kristin Kreuk, Catherine Bell, and Brooke Burke are either. We are sorry, but until folks like this start appearing on the Sunday morning talk shows, you just can't expect us to recognize them the way we'd recognize Mort Kondracke. Which reminds us -- not one FOX News presenter gets named? Come on, now. Shouldn't Heather Nauert have received at least an honorable mention or something?

Finally, we ought say that we don't see how anyone in the Top 10 of FHM's list got there this year, with three exceptions. The first two exceptions are Anna Kournikova and Britney Spears. In Ms Kournikova's case, she was married to Sergei Federov, and as a Red Wings hockey fan, that is enough for us. In Ms Spears' case ... well, she's quite a dish. That, and she's been savvy enough to keep quiet on political matters.

Indeed, we would go so far to say that we're surprised to see Ms Spears was not ranked No. 1 on the list. But there's just something about a Bond girl that propels them to stratospheric heights, wouldn't you say?

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at December 6, 2003 10:22 AM | TrackBack