Benjamin Kepple

Chicago Man Prevents Armageddon

THIS MAN has saved all of us.

Now, we know what you're thinking. The bespectacled dork pictured above is not worthy of such recognition. Not when he grabbed the foul ball that eventually led the Florida Marlins to overtake the Chicago Cubs -- the Cubs, for God's sake -- in Game Six of the National League's championship series. You're thinking that this unfortunate wretch deserves merely scorn, condemnation and a good dousing in beer and peanut shells!

But friends, I say to you -- this man took one for the human team. Sure, he'll never forget the fact that he set in motion that horrible chain of events on Tuesday night -- but consider the alternative! He has prevented a Cubs - Red Sox World Series, and in doing so has saved the world from Armageddon itself.

Now, this is not a new theory -- indeed, many of our colleagues at work were, on Tuesday, discussing this theory set forth by one Mr Stephen King. But we can assure you that we saw the Signs being laid out before us. For lo! we left work today, and storm clouds DID blot out the sun, and there WAS much wind and rain and a general disturbance in the FORCE. And it DID look like that END SCENE in "Donnie Darko." Also there was an angel flying in midheaven, proclaiming: "Fear God and give Him glory, for the hour of His judgment has come; and worship Him who made Heaven and Earth, the sea and the foundations of water."

We here at The Rant were a bit concerned at all this, for these happenings transpired as the Red Sox had just overtaken the New York Yankees in their own Game Six. The hourglass for The End Times had clearly been set in motion.

But, as our Lord once noted, no man knoweth the day nor the hour. This was apparently just a trial run.

And as the Cubs went down to defeat this evening, we have no doubts that folks in Wrigleyville are wailing and gnashing their teeth. We also have no doubts that some folks are hoping for furious anger to come down upon this wretched soul. But we would remind them of the virtues of compassion and charity. Let no man disparage this headphone-wearing schnook. Let no man remind him about what happened five years hence.

Besides. We think he's suffered enough.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at October 16, 2003 12:15 AM | TrackBack