September 29, 2003

Internet Search Questions Answered

HERE AT THE RANT, it is always a source of amusement to see the content of Internet searches which lead people to our site. This is not to say that some of these searches are not reasonable requests for information available on-line; indeed, some of them are. That said, most of the queries make us fear for the safety of The Republic.

However, in the interest of spreading good will among men, we are providing Quick, Snappy Answers (TM) to some of the searchers who have stumbled across our site, wondering about things which show us they clearly have too much time on their hands.

Q: rob lowe net worth

A: It's more than yours. Next question!

Q: ricki lake metrosexuals

A: Don't watch the former, don't know many of the latter. This may be because metrosexuality largely conflicts with our Scottish heritage, which deems it unmanly to spend large sums of money on hair products.

Q: jennifer and ben breakup september 23

A: So you're to blame for all this! Please -- in the name of God -- stop caring about celebrity events, once and for all. Start reading The Economist instead.

Q: ben affleck and jay lo breakup

A: Gad!

Q: posh and becks slang

A: Bosh and drecks. Hey, it rhymes.

Q: fun and skiing in aspen prospects

A: Few and far between! Oh, yeah, that's exactly what we'd want to do on our winter vacation -- spend time with a bunch of chi-chi fou-fou trustafarians whose idea of engaging conversation is kowtowing before a toilet, offering fervent prayers to Bacchus as their body expels mass quantities of poison ingested a short while beforehand. Go ski in Vermont or something.

Q: inflatable punching doll

A: Consider outpatient therapy.

Q: europe's nudists

A: Now we'll have nightmares.

Q: ben and j-lo what's going on

A: Oh, not you again. Look. There's a wonderful world outside -- why don't you go explore for a bit?

Q: railed or municipality or negated or sunbelt or spleen

A: We don't even want to know.

Q: cluttered or incentives or repetition or colonizing or incendiary

A: Comprador lackeys oppression! Or something.

Q: sabine herold

A: Finally! An actual meaningful request! Well, you can see my entry on Ms Herold here, and ...

Q: just kidding*

A: Why you wretched ... !

Q: ghetto white boys

A: And if you search twice, we're gonna kick your lily ass.

Q: cheering team

A: Huh?

Q: president amin

A: Good riddance.

Q: j-lo and ben affleck did they break up

A: How the devil should we know? GO. AWAY.

Q: latest news on ben and j-lo break up

A: Damn you! WHY must you persist in torturing us, you wretched scoundrel? Did we not make it abundantly clear that we haven't ANY interest in all in that topic? Did we not make it abundantly clear that we thought that was a nonsense story? Why do you read it? Is it to keep you occupied and unworried about issues that will have far more impact on your life?

Q: ben and j-lo back together again

A: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Q: mansions wedding reception maryland shore

A: We said, GO AW ... oh. Sorry. Got ahead of ourselves there for a moment.

As long as you and your bride aren't paying for the mansion rental yourself, then we wouldn't worry about it. If you are, and you don't have the money, then we would suggest you consider a humbler venue. On the other hand, if you do have it, then go contribute to our continuing economic growth.

Well, that's it for now in terms of Quick, Snappy Answers (TM) to Readers' Search Queries. Tune in at a later date, when we address our readers' questions about economic policy, foreign affairs, and ... oh, you know.

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* OK, not an actual request, but hey. We couldn't resist.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at September 29, 2003 09:45 PM | TrackBack
Comments

I think this is really silly no real answers.

Posted by: Tosin at March 11, 2004 09:35 AM