September 15, 2003

The Answer is Yes; By Which I Mean, No.

Sheila O'Malley, the New York-based blogger whom you ought read on a daily basis if you are not presently doing so, recently took a look at a pressing issue to the American people.

Namely, Ms O'Malley wrote about whether Ben Lopez and Jennifer Affleck, whom we are told are popular entertainers, had ended their romantic relationship. We here at The Rant are a bit "out of the loop" about this development in their personal lives, as we were more focused on the collapse of the World Trade Organization talks in Cancun.

That was quite something, actually, because there was a glorious row when the North American delegations had the Indonesian delegation impaled on their own cut-rate steel. Heh. Then Pascal Lamy, Europe's chief negotiator, had this really impressive hissy fit, in which he kept lapsing into French like some peasant, and ...

OK, so that didn't happen at all. But few people in America would have noticed if it had, because few people anywhere care about cool things like global trade talks. In general, people are more interested in whether some actor married some musician. We have a theory that this is because trade talks aren't "with it" or "sexy." We must say, though, that we hope folks are following those goings-on out of a true interest in "Jen and B-Lo." It would sadden us if they were following that situation because they wanted to avoid thinking about things like the WTO debate.

In any event, Ms O'Malley echoed the thoughts of bloggers everywhere when she asked the questions we thought when we were informed about the breakup between Ms Affleck and Mr Damon. These questions were:

Is it actually true that Ben and J-Lo have split?

Do I dare get my hopes up that I never ever ever ever ever have to hear about that couple again?

Is it too soon to rejoice, to breathe a thankful sigh of relief?

We are glad Ms O'Malley asked these questions, as we were wondering the answers to them ourselves. For answers, we first turned to Edward "Ted" Callahan, our unpaid intern and popular-culture expert who mistakenly thinks he can use his internship to get credit towards his studies at UC-Davis. Heh heh heh. Oh, is he in for a shock.

Unfortunately, "Ted" wrote us and said he was being sued by the recording industry, and as such had fled to Belize. So for answers we had to turn to Quinn Quimbley, our latest vice president of marketing here at The Rant.

Mr KEPPLE: Sheila wants to know whether it is actually true that Ben Cocktoasten and Jennifer Grey have split up. Is that true, Quinn?

Mr QUIMBLEY: Sir, it's Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.

Mr KEPPLE: What?

Mr QUIMBLEY: You recall, sir. They were in that bad movie, Gi--

Mr KEPPLE: Oh, yes. You will note, Mr Quimbley, that Interoffice Style Guide Memorandum No. 26 forbids employees from even mentioning the name of that really horrible film. Instead you must call it "that insufferable waste of celluloid."

Mr QUIMBLEY: Heh. Yeah. They were in that really insufferable waste of celluloid.

Mr KEPPLE: Thank you, though. My therapist will thank you also. You see, now I'm going to remember just how bad that movie was, and I'm probably going to have to go back into analysis again.

Mr QUIMBLEY: Crix nix doubleplusungood awful vehicle stop greenlight ridiculous verged on crimethink stop bellyfeel crapwise prolefeed.

Mr KEPPLE: What the devil?!

Mr QUIMBLEY: Oh, that's just marketing talk. Anyway, the answer to Sheila's question can best be paraphrased in a line from "The Simpsons" -- "The answer is yes, by which I mean no." The International Herald Tribune, which ought not report on such things, noted that the two "have split, at least temporarily." So we can clearly say that it is a sure permanent thing. Unless it isn't.

Mr KEPPLE: And this means what for Mr Damon and Ms Fuentes?

Mr QUIMBLEY: We -- namely, the marketing staff -- give it six weeks to three months before they're back together again and it makes the cover of People magazine again. Also we predict they will get married on Minorca.

Mr KEPPLE: Minorca.

Mr QUIMBLEY: Yep. Oh, not because it's especially out-of-the-way or anything like that, just because we think one of those two will get the idea that Minorca is authentic or happening or some such.

Mr KEPPLE: Minorca.

Mr QUIMBLEY: Minorca, Tegucigalpa, beats the hell out of us. But we're pretty sure this breakup will be temporary. Not that we know. But we're guessing.

Mr KEPPLE: Quinn, that doesn't seem to bode well for Sheila's other two questions about Mr Wilson and Ms Knowles.

Mr QUIMBLEY: Absolutely not, sir. Absolutely not. Let's say they really did break up and that's the end of everything. It will still be in the news for weeks upon weeks. We think Ms O'Malley may get two or three days without hearing about them at some point, but once "Jersey Girl" his theatres you can forget about it. However, there is an upside. We predict that movie critics, having enjoyed giving Gi -- er -- their last movie a beating so bad that it was left for dead, will take a renewed interest in criticizing "Jersey Girl." Thus, Ms O'Malley will have to deal with renewed stories about Mr Affleck and Ms Lopez.


Mr QUIMBLEY: Never mind. Anyway, it is probably too soon for Ms O'Malley -- or anyone who could care less about Mr ... oh, forget it -- to breathe any sighs of relief. At all.

Mr KEPPLE: Swell.

So there we have it. A continual and unceasing cacophony about Bennifer will persist throughout the land, and lo! the LORD sent thunder and hail, and fire ran down to the earth. And the LORD rained hail upon the land of Egypt; there was hail, and fire flashing continually in the midst of the hail; very heavy hail, such as had never been seen before in all the land of Egypt since it became a nation. Yet the multitudes would NOT give up their file-sharing, and the LORD did harden the RIAA's hearts. And the people trembled, for a plague of process servers was UPON the land.

And only God knows what's going to happen with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez when all is said and done.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at September 15, 2003 11:55 PM | TrackBack


This was so enjoyable.

Posted by: red at September 16, 2003 12:56 PM

Man, I want to work for The Rant when I get out of school!

Good stuff.

Posted by: Kevin White at September 16, 2003 05:24 PM