June 07, 2003

Official: Cincinnati Bengals Stink, Violate Lease

A county commissioner in the Cincinnati area has sued the National Football League and its Cincinnati Bengals franchise because the team sucks, the Associated Press has reported.

According to the wire service, Hamilton County Commissioner Todd Portune claims the hapless Bengals' lousy performance has shortchanged the county and its taxpayers. It seems the Bengals, who only managed to win two out of sixteen games last season, aren't drawing in enough revenue. Mr Portune alleges this violates the team's lease agreement on its new, sales-tax financed stadium.

Lawyers for the team and the league say that's bunk, according to the AP:

"They're asking you to find, as a matter of law, that the Bengals had some implied contractual obligation to win a certain number of games, unknown, unstated," Bengals' lawyer Robert Stachler told Judge Charles J. Kubicki Jr. in Hamilton County Common Pleas Court. "That is preposterous."

Mr Stachler, who as a lawyer is skilled in the art of diplomacy, left unsaid one line of argument which we believe applies here. Namely, that the voters of Hamilton County knew very well what they were getting into when they approved that tax increase back in 1996. The Bengals were awful then, they are awful now, and they will always be awful. Only an act of divine Providence could change this state of affairs.

I mean, they're the Bengals. Gad. I mean, their past record should have told you they're going to consistently underperform. And it wasn't as if the Bengals had some sort of inherent coolness to them, like the Pittsburgh Steelers. They've always been a third-rate team, and they'll never keep any of their good players, and they'll always struggle to win even four or five games much less get to the playoffs.

Don't give me any of that "What about when they went to the Super Bowl?" crap either. Yeah, they got to the Super Bowl -- twice, in the Eighties. And they lost. Even more amusing, they lost to San Francisco both times.

So give up. Go home. Stop whining. Don't worry -- there will be other seasons.
We'll mock you then too, of course.

Posted by Benjamin Kepple at June 7, 2003 10:56 AM | TrackBack

Yes, but thanks to those two '80s Super Bowls, they're still arguably a better team than the Arizona nee Phoenix nee St. Louis nee Chicago Cardinals.

Posted by: John Thacker at June 8, 2003 10:22 PM